What I've Become
by Eowyn Organa
Summary: InuKag. Years after Naraku's defeat, Inuyasha and Kagome live in peace. But as Kagome's life will soon end, and a youkai attacks the village, Inuyasha tries to keep control over his shattering world. Is it possible to love so much that you lose yourself?


A/N: This story came from an idea I had after reading something in a psychology text book. I thought I'd try it out. I also wanted to do some more tragedy. For some strange reason, I like tragedy. Be prepared for tears.

Oh yeah, and I like reusing Kuro as the default kid for them. He's just so cute.

* * *

**What I've Become**

_Here it was again; a scene he had seen so many times over many years. It was dark as he stood alone on the plain, surrounded by the crackling fire. Red eyes looked up at the sky as a smirk came upon his face. _

_Fun…this was so much fun. There was no greater feeling than toying with humans, erasing their lives afterward. Yes…great fun._

_Lifting his bloodstained fingers to his lips, he licked the blood off his fingers, rejoicing in the destruction…_

Inuyasha snapped awake with a gasp, sitting up on the futon in shock. The scene before his eyes soon faded as the sounds of night came back to him. He was no longer in the past, but now in the present; back in his hut in the village, with his wife at his side.

As the shock faded, the hanyou rested a hand on his forehead with a sigh. _It's been a long time since I dreamed of that…_

The warm body at his side stirred, "Inu…yasha?" she asked, slowly turning to look up at him. His eyes turned to meet hers as he looked down at his pale wife who had been by his side for twenty years.

"Kagome…"

It had been many, many years since Naraku was finally defeated; when they had become man and wife and begun this life together. When it first began, it seemed like something out of a dream, something that only a miracle caused to happen. At that time, they only thought of their happiness at the moment; the future was years away.

And now, after twenty years, happiness had come. They now had a grown up son, Kuro, who was seventeen. He was a child that Kagome had doted upon; a child that made Inuyasha proud. Kuro took after his father in looks, but he had his mother's kind heart.

At the time, it seemed like everything was as it should be; they had a son, and a life together, with happiness guaranteed for many years.

They never considered what sadness the future might bring.

"Inuyasha?" Kagome asked weakly. "Is something wrong?"

He shook it off, "It's nothing."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Go back to sleep, Kagome. It was just a dream, nothing to worry about."

With a soft smile, she nodded and rolled back over, but Inuyasha could not return to sleep so easily. With another sigh, he stood up, night robe swishing around him as he walked. Brushing past the bamboo curtain, he walked out of the hut, out into the open night.

Yes, back then they never thought of what misfortunes the future might bring. For the first ten years, it was bliss; there were no problems or worries in their life. But, when Kuro was only ten, something terrible happened.

Kagome had been chasing Kuro around the yard, laughing with her son as they played a game, and then it happened. Inuyasha was there; saw it all as she suddenly clutched at her chest and fell to the ground, unable to get back up again.

Kaede had died years before, so it was for another village herbologist to tell them the terrible news. Kagome had a weak heart. Though it had never been a problem before, it was probably something she had from birth. And now that she was getting older, her heart would have to work harder…And that the condition would one day kill her.

She was going to die.

Hands curling into fists, he remembered that terrible day when they had first found out. Ever since then, he had never been able to sleep well at night; horrific dreams of a dead Kagome haunted his mind. Though, tonight was one of the few times he had dreamed of something different.

Leaning against a tree in the forest, he reflected upon all those happy moments they had long ago. When they first thought all their dreams were coming true they couldn't imagine what sadness would soon come their way.

He was a hanyou, she was human. While she grew physically older with each passing year, Inuyasha looked the same as he did the first day she met him. No matter how much they wished to be with each other, she would die before he did. It would have never mattered to him; Kagome was the only light he had in his life. He would have stayed by her no matter how short her lifespan compared to his.

But that day brought forth the reality. Her life was now shortened; Kagome's heart was weak enough that a great shock could kill her at any moment. While he tried to protect her as always, he couldn't protect her from death that was soon to come.

Unable to bear it any longer, his fist came and slammed into the tree, blood exploding from his knuckles. He continued to pound away, but the pain never subsided.

He couldn't save her! The problem was not a youkai, or something else that he could just destroy and be done with it. There was nothing he could do. But, if selling his very soul could save her from this fate, he would do it. He would have done anything, even at the cost of his own life, to save her but…there was absolutely nothing he could do.

And that was the worst feeling in the world.

_Kagome, I failed you…_he thought, slamming his fist into the tree for a final time. _I promised I would protect you with my life! I promised I would never let you die! And yet…I can't do anything for you!_

Every day, she walked the earth with the risk to never living another day. And all he could do was be by her side, and make her as comfortable as possible. Every time she collapsed or her heart started overworking, he panicked and begged the world that it would not be her dying day.

All the time, he had to look after her and constantly cover up his worry so she wouldn't notice. Yet at night, all his fears and strain came out when she wasn't there to see. At least his son wouldn't see him like this; Sesshoumaru had requested assistance in his lands to rule the court while he went to crush a rebellion. Unable to leave his ailing wife, Inuyasha had sent his son instead.

_No one should see me like this…no one should know that I'm this weak…I've become so weak…_

Slumping down on his knees, the hanyou pleaded with tearing eyes with the spirits of the sky, _I just wish…that I wouldn't have to feel this pain…that this pain could just end!_

* * *

"Inuyasha-san!" a visitor came calling to their hut the next day. It was Taro, the eldest son of their friends, Sango and Miroku. He had grown up to look a lot like his father, but thankfully he had not inherited his father's _habits_ as well.

"Taro?" he asked, getting up from where he had been sitting by Kagome. "What's going on?"

The boy gave a small bow in apology. "I'm sorry to bother you right now, Inuyasha-san, but Otou-san asks for your assistance."

The hanyou raised an eyebrow. "In what?"

"Last night. There was…a youkai attack. A fatal one."

Golden eyes widened. _What?_

* * *

Though he was reluctant to leave Kagome's side, he knew he had to go. There was a dangerous youkai afoot, and that could be a threat to _her. _

_But how could I have missed it? _he wondered, as Taro led him to a place outside of the village. _Last night, I was…_he remembered those moments out by the forest. _Damn it, was I too preoccupied in my own thoughts that I didn't even realize there was a youkai around?_

"Hey, monk," he asked, as they met up with his friend of many years. "What've we got?"

Miroku gave a sigh. "Sango and I aren't sure. There was an a youkai in the area last night but…" he stepped aside, revealing a bloody body behind him. "This traveler was attacked on the main route."

Inuyasha stepped closer, looking at the body. It was a traveler all right; a young man no more than twenty. Slashes and cuts were all over the body, yet there were no signs of bite marks. _The youkai didn't even bother to feed…_

"Well?" Miroku asked. "Could you tell us what did this? The village headman was getting quite worried, and if you can identify the youkai, then—"

Inuyasha said nothing, but silenced him with a single glare. Miroku realized something, and then nodded in apology. "Oh, yes…sorry, I forgot."

When Inuyasha went back to examining the cuts on the body, Taro leaned over to whisper to his father, "What did you mean about 'forgetting', Otou-san?"

The monk sighed, "It's something your mother explained to me, Taro. It's nothing much to worry about, but Inuyasha-san can't use his sense of smell right now." According to his youkai slayer wife, if youkai were extremely worried about something, sometimes their stronger abilities would fade due of the stress. Ever since he had heard about Kagome's condition, Inyasha's strength had been ebbing.

It was a shame that something like this had happened and Shippou was out of town again. The kitsune was now much older, and liked traveling across the country. Last they had heard, was courting a girl far north that he was considering as taking as his mate.

"Well, can you tell us anything about it, Inuyasha?" Miroku asked.

"Not much," he told him. "Only that this youkai attacked this man out of rage, and didn't even bother to feed—probably not looking for a meal but more for sport instead. It may not even be in the area anymore, because I'm sure someone would have spotted it if it was. These marks are large enough that we're dealing with the average-sized youkai."

"I see," the monk nodded. "So, what are you going to do about it?"

Inuyasha shrugged, "Nothing more to do than keep an eye out, I guess. I'll kill it when I see it; I won't let anything live that could be a threat to Kagome."

Inuyasha was about to walk off, and leave the burial to his friend, but Miroku stopped him with a gentle grabbing of his arm. "Inuyasha," the monk asked, "How is Kagome-sama doing today?"

There was a small pause, before Inuyasha brushed off his friend's hand. "She's fine…" he answered, walking away. "As fine as she can ever be."

* * *

"What was it?" His wife asked when he returned, mending a rip in a kimono. "Was it a youkai we've seen before, or…Inuyasha?" He couldn't look her in the eye. "Inuyasha, please, tell me, what's wrong?"

Suddenly, he did the unexpected; pulled her into a fierce embrace. "Inuyasha?" she gasped as he held her tightly, as if she would disappear into smoke before his eyes. "What—?"

"I won't—I won't let anything harm you, Kagome."

"I know that, but—"

"No, just…" he stammered, the words hard to say. "I promise, I won't let this harm you. I'll protect you to the end." _I know I've failed before, but… _"I won't let this youkai hurt you."

Unable to argue any more, and knowing that her husband wouldn't listen, Kagome merely sighed and leaned into him. "I know. You'll always protect me, Inuyasha…just like you did all those years ago."

_And I'll continue to protect you, Kagome…I've failed, but…I just can't fail when it comes to this. I can't…I wouldn't be able to take it…_

* * *

"What? You're saying—?" shouted the hanyou the next morning when he heard the news.

"Yes, you heard right, Inuyasha," the monk told him with a sigh. "There was another youkai attack last night. It was fatal."

Face paling, Inuyasha remembered the night before. He had woken up from another one of his nightmares, and had wandered to his usual spot in the forest nearby. Did this mean that he was awake when the attack happened and had failed to notice it once again? He used to be able to smell a youkai from a mile off; how was he to protect Kagome if he couldn't even notice a youkai mere yards from him?

_I've failed…Because my senses are weaker? How could I let myself get this weak! If I'm this weak, I can't even protect Kagome…What if it comes after her? What if it attacks _us _at night? If I'm like this, what if I can't protect her? What if it defeats me and then she…No, no! I can't! I'd give my life for her but…I can't fail at protecting her even more than I already have!_

"Inuyasha?"

"Yes?" He asked, glancing back at his friend.

Miroku was silent for a moment, before asking, "Are you…alright?"

"What do you mean? I look fine, don't I?"

The monk sighed, "No, I don't mean that, Inuyasha. You've been…worried about this, haven't you?"

_That _caught the hanyou by surprise. He glanced away for a moment, glad Kagome was over at Sango's so she wouldn't hear him say the words. "Yeah."

"Ah…I see. Is it Kagome-sama?"

The hanyou's fists shook. "Yeah. She's...she's already got enough to deal with…I don't want this to affect her in anyway."

"Inuyasha, I hardly think a youkai that's attacking travelers by the side of the road is going to attack Kagome-sama—"

"That's not it!" Inuyasha suddenly roared. "Don't you understand anything? Remember what we were told when we first learned about her condition? A strong shock could stop her heart and kill her! Why do you think I've tried to keep her away when there's been youkai in the forests, or from any hard work at all? Just seeing this youkai might kill her!"

It was a long moment before Miroku sighedl "I can understand your concern, Inuyasha, but—"

"_You don't know anything about my concern, monk!_" Inuyasha shot violently back. "The woman I can't live without is getting closer to death every day, and now that I've lost a lot of my strength, all I can do is sit there and watch! I can hardly sleep because of worry, every day I'm scared that the next day may be her last, and now with this damn youkai, I have another nest of problems, so I barely have any time to think of anything but her! If your woman could die any day, I doubt you'd be as calm as you seem too!"

When the hanyou was finished, Miroku didn't say another word for a long time. "You know my Sango still wants to go and protect our village by fighting youkai. I tell her not to, but she is not a woman that will change her mind so easily. Back when we journeyed together fighting Naraku, there was a chance that she could die in any battle. These days, when she ventures out, there's a chance she won't come home. And yet I live with it. I live thorough it, knowing that it is what my Sango has pledged to do and that she is happy doing it. While Kagome-sama certainly didn't choose her fate…I know she wouldn't want you worrying about it as much as you do, Inuyasha."

"Don't you get it, monk! It's not just about that—it's Kagome itself! She's the only reason I'm still living! She's the only thing in this world that makes me truly happy! She was the first one to accept me and love me for who I was; the first one who thought of me as a _person _and not as a monster, and now she's dying! And you're telling me to just _forget _about that and—!"

"No, Inuyasha, I'm not," the monk cut him off, seeing the tears growing in the hanyou's wild eyes. "But let me tell you something my old master told me, years ago. Love is a wonderful thing, and there is no greater happiness then finding a woman that you can love wholeheartedly and settling down with her. But, beware losing yourself completely in love. A man who becomes obsessed with his wife to the point of forgetting himself is a broken man when she leaves him for death. If you love too much, then you can lose the very core of yourself as the price."

Grunting, the hanyou turned away. "You're spouting stupid words as ever."

Deciding it was a lost cause, the monk stood up. "Be that it may, Inuyasha, all I'm telling you is this; Kagome-sama certainly doesn't want you to be as worried as you are. You may be a hanyou, but you aren't a god; you can't change everything. You can comfort Kagome-sama as much as you please but that is all you can do for her. You can't change what the Buddha has decreed." And with that, Miroku left Inuyasha to his private scowlings.

The hanyou glanced upon the sharp claws on his fingers; proof that he was not human, but supposed to be something far stronger. _I am hanyou. I was born with a strength greater than any human. _

_But…_

His hand curled into a tight fist. _What is the use of this strength if I cannot protect the one I love?_

* * *

_Huh?_

Inuyasha's eyes slowly opened, as he found himself not safe in his hut, but outside, under the stars. _What?_ He glanced around at once. He was leaning against the usual tree, his hands streaked with blood—from the usual merciless pounding, no doubt.

Though it was odd that he had fallen asleep. Usually he went back inside after washing the blood off his hands so Kagome wouldn't notice.

It was nearly dawn, so he had probably been asleep for a long while. _I should get back_, he told himself, standing up. _I don't want Kagome to worry…_

Unfortunately for him, he had almost gotten out of the forest when something came flying his way.

"_Damn you, hanyou!"_

Inuyasha noticed in time and just barely ducked as a youkai came flying at him. It was one of the snake-people, with dark hair and blue, scaly skin. Whirling around, he struck a battle stance as he faced it. "What do you want?" he demanded.

The snake youkai seemed to be a woman with long braided hair and bare breasts before him. Her yellow eyes narrowed as she spoke, _"You dare ask me that, hanyou? You don't deserve to live, after what you've done!"_

She flew at him once more, claws slashing downward. Inuyasha tried to dodge, his arm blocking in just the nick of time. _Is she talking about my existence? Or the fact that I've led a happy life, and married a human?_ Dodging again, and leaping to kick off from a tree, he counterattacked, yelling, "My personal life is none of your business!"

That remark only seemed to enrage her, as she ran towards him again, claws flying. Inuyasha dodged and tried to attack, but he had not fought in a long time, and his movements, as expected, were slower than usual. _Damn it! I'm not as strong as I used to be! If I'm not careful, I'll be beaten, and then…Kagome!_

That thought seemed to give him the drive to win. He couldn't let _anything _harm Kagome. Even if it meant sacrificing his life, if there was a way to protect her, he would.

This youkai was a threat to her. It _would _die.

With a feral roar, the hanyou lunged for her, attacking with all the fury he could muster. He sliced back time and time again. She couldn't get an opening as the inu hanyou proceeded to pound her with all he had.

Finally, finally, she had nothing left. Inuyasha held her up, a hand around her neck, as dark blood spilled all around him. Snarling, he spoke, "I won't let you harm Kagome. I won't let anyone harm her, _ever. _I'll _kill _anyone who tries to get at her."

The youkai went limp, but gave a small laugh as she accepted defeat. _"I never cared about your woman. This was for _my _revenge."_

But he hardly listened. "See you in Hell." All it took was one slice to finish her.

It wasn't until after he had killed her and was cleaning off the blood so Kagome wouldn't be worried when he thought of it. _Wait…what did she mean by 'revenge'?_

* * *

"You don't have to worry about the youkai anymore; it's dead." Inuyasha told Kagome the next day, glad he finally had some good news for her.

"You killed it, already?"

He nodded. "Yes. I told you before, I won't let _anything _harm you. I found it and I killed it."

With a smile, Kagome rewarded him, leaning into his embrace. "I'm glad you killed it, Inuyasha, but…"

"But?"

"Don't trouble yourself too much for me, Inuyasha."

He stared at her. "How can you say that? You know I…I'd do anything for you. Just to make sure you're safe."

"Yes, I know that, and I'm glad of it, but…" she took a chance and looked back up into his eyes. "Please, Inuyasha, don't push yourself too much because of me. I don't like it when you worry about me…When you worry, then I start to worry about you."

How could he ever lose this wonderful woman? Pulling her back against him, he told her, "You don't have to worry. Everything is fine now. I won't ever leave you."

_Never._

* * *

"No…no…You can't be serious, monk."

"I am serious, Inuyasha."

"But…I killed it! That youkai flew out of nowhere and attacked me! I struck back and killed it! It's gone now!"

Miroku sighed as they walked through the forest together. "I don't doubt that a youkai came at you, and you killed it with your own hands. But you did not kill the youkai that was attacking our village."

"But…how would you know? That thing had claws it was going to slice me on, and it definitely was in the area…I killed it and that's all there is to it!"

"Inuyasha," Miroku sighed. "I studied the body of the youkai you showed me. The claws on her hands do not match up to the marks left on the two victims. The claws left on the victims had a slightly rounded appearance to them; they were for slashing. The claws on the snake woman's were sharply pointed; you noted yourself they were for puncturing. Also, there was no venom left in the victim, as those youkai puncture their victim and then bite them to leave their poisonous venom."

Inuyasha growled, "Sango tell you this?"

"Yes, she did, but—"

"You weren't there, damn it! I told you, that youkai came and attacked me from nowhere! It had to be the same one! How many youkai do you think there are around this forest now that we've spent the last twenty years cleaning it out?"

"Inuyasha—"

"Tell me monk, besides that, what is it that you say proves that the youkai I killed was not the one that was killing the villagers? What?"

They stopped on a hill in the forest. And Miroku, without a word, pointed down to the valley. Down below, there was a body. A body of a_ youkai. _A blue skinned, snake youkai. Only, this one was male. "Sango tells me this youkai was the mate of the one you killed. She determines it was killed two nights ago as well. The marks on this youkai are the same as the ones on the victims."

Golden eyes widened. "So you're saying—"

"The youkai that attacked the humans killed the snake woman's mate. She must have come on the scene after it fled, and started searching for whoever did it. Unfortunately for you, when she came upon you, you were already covered in blood as it was."

Inuyasha stared, "Wait…how do you know?"

Indigo eyes narrowed. "Shippou. He told us before he left that you've been going out every night, pounding out frustration onto a tree until you hand bleeds."

The hanyou looked away guiltily. "I can't…I can't let Kagome see…"

"I know, and I'm not blaming you. But be careful next time. Youkai who've lost their mates can fall into insanity from the loss. We don't want you in the wrong place at the wrong time again."

Inuyasha was silent for a moment, "And…about the youkai…?"

"Sango and I will take care of it. We'll start a patrol around the area at night. You shouldn't worry about this, Inuyasha. Go home and take care of Kagome. That should be your highest priority now."

* * *

"I'm sorry," he whispered to Kagome, that night before bed. "I didn't…I thought I killed it, but…it was the wrong youkai. I thought I removed the threat, but I didn't…I'm sorry I couldn't—"

"Inuyasha, please stop worrying about it. There was nothing you could do," she told him, leaning into his strong arms. "You've killed many youkai and destroyed many threats over the years. Don't think that just because you missed this one, you won't get another one next time."

"I thought I had killed it and that I had protected you!" he told her, pulling her against his chest. "But I failed—all I did was put an insane youkai out of its misery, that was all!"

"Well, maybe it was a good thing, after all. I'm sure the youkai's mate didn't want her to suffer after the loss."

"But it wasn't—!"

"Inuyasha," her voice sounded worried. "Please, stop worrying about it, please, I—" She gave a small gasp, and clutched at her chest. Inuyasha fell into panic.

"Kagome! Are you all right? Do you need some water? Herbs? Do I need to get the village healer? What—"

"Inuyasha, please, stop it! I'm fine now. It does this all the time, it's nothing to worry about…"

He was not going to stop worrying so easily. "But—!"

"Please, Inuyasha, I'm fine." She buried her face in his chest, begging. "Please, don't worry so much about me…I'm afraid that I might lose you if you do."

He was silent for a moment. "You're not going to lose me, Kagome, I promise." He pulled her closer. "I worry about you. I've worried about you since the first day I met you, and that's not ever going to change. I told you years ago, didn't I? You changed me, woman. You changed me from the uncaring person I was, to the worrying bastard that I am today."

"I know, but…please, don't change too much for me." She was silent for a moment, but then spoke up suddenly, "What you said before…there is one thing I want…"

"Name it."

"It's not something you can grant automatically, Inuyasha. I just wish…that Kuro was here. I want to see my son again."

That question made him uneasy. _Why would she bring up Kuro now, unless…_His eyes widened further. _No…no…this can't mean…she knows she's going to die soon? And she wants to see…_The horror pulled at his heart, and it took him a few long moments to bring himself together and answer with a happy smile, for her sake, "Keh…I'm sure he'll be home soon. I don't think he wants to spend too much time in the bastard's company, either."

Kagome gave a small giggle. "I'm sure Kuro doesn't mind his uncle as much as _you _mind him…but I hope he comes home soon. I really miss him."

It was very hard for Inuyasha to keep the tears out of his eyes at her words. _She knows. Oh gods, she does know. It can't be…it can't be this soon. I don't want her to leave me…I can't have her leave me…_

_I won't let her leave me!_

* * *

It was many hours later, after she had fallen asleep, that he fled. He fled from the safety of their little hut, and into the woods. But he didn't go to his usual tree, he went to a place he hadn't visited in years—the old well.

It was the same place that Kagome had appeared out of years ago. The same place that always took her from him, and brought her back again. But, it had long since stopped working—when the Shikon no Tama left the world, the well had also been sealed.

This was where he used to sit after she had left, waiting for her return. Soon, Kagome would leave again, but she would never return. She would leave him forever.

Falling to his knees in front of the ancient wood, Inuyasha gripped the rough sides, fighting the emotions inside. _Kagome's going to die…she's going to die! And there's nothing I can do about it! She's going to leave me soon, and I'll have to watch her die! I'll never see her again!_

At the thought, he couldn't handle it anymore. He let go. Tears streamed down his face in torrnets. _Kagome! Why, damn it? Why does she have to leave me? Why do the gods want to take her from me? I don't want her to leave! I need her! I can't let that happen! _

_You're all that I have, Kagome! Why do you have to leave me like this!_

He continued to sob, until after a long while, one of his ears twitched at the sound of someone approaching. He didn't care who saw him now, as he turned to see Miroku's son, Taro. "What do you want, kid?"

Taro answered, coming closer. "Father said you were here…he's worried about you. He wants you to come back because he has something to talk about."

The hanyou turned away. "I don't need _his _pity. Tell him I don't."

"But…Inuyasha-san—"

"I don't want to see him right now. Tell him to leave me alone."

"But…Inuyasha-san, he told me to! He said I had to make sure you came, it's important—"

Whirling around, Inuyasha glared, "I told you I don't want to talk to him! Go away!"

"But—"

"Get away from me!"

"Inuyasha-san—"

"_Leave me alone!"_

* * *

The next morning, Inuyasha was back at home with Kagome, putting on a happy face as usual, when Miroku came by. The monk didn't even give a greeting when he showed up, but marched right into their hut, an angry look on his face.

Inuyasha stood up to meet him. "Monk, what are you—?"

He didn't even get a chance to finish, before the monk landed a punch straight in his face. Inuyasha fell over, stunned, as Kagome gave a gasp and cradled him. "Miroku-sama!"

"Damnit, monk!" Inuyasha roared, clutching his bloody nose. "What the Hell—!"

"I should have done worse to you for what you did!" Miroku roared, fury flaring in his indigo eyes.

"What did I do?"

"Don't act like you don't remember!" Miroku grabbed the hanyou's arm and forced him up. "Taro! He came to you last night to beg you to come back and talk to me, and you yelled at him to go away. And not only that, then you decided to take a swipe at him! _My son _came back with your claw marks all over his arm!"

Both Inuyasha and Kagome gasped, but Inuyasha was more shocked. _What? I…I did that? But, I don't…_ "Wait…how can you be sure, I didn't—!"

"Don't you lie to me, Inuyasha! My son came back with wounds over his arm because he raised it in defense! And if you don't believe him, the marks you put on him are the proof! I don't give a damn what you do to youkai, but _don't you dare _lay a hand on my son!"

Tears covered Kagome's eyes as Miroku let Inuyasha go, the hanyou slumping back onto the ground. _How could I have done that…to Taro? The kid's annoying but…he's just a kid. How could I have… _Turning away, Inuyasha spoke disjointedly, "I wasn't…I wasn't myself last night, monk…I was upset, and…I'm sorry for what happened to your son. I didn't…I didn't mean it to happen. I know you're upset, and…I deserve it."

Miroku only gave a glare, and turned away. "There's a stake out tonight for the youkai…you can come if you want. The village headman set it up. But don't get in my way." With that, he stormed out.

There was only silence in the hut after he left; Kagome cradling Inuyasha as he fought to understand what had happened. "I…don't…I can't remember, but…"

"I'm sure you didn't mean it," she told him softly, holding him close as she comforted him.

"I must have done it," he spoke softly. "If they have proof, then…"

"But you said yourself you didn't mean it! If you were upset, then—"

"That doesn't excuse what I did!" he roared back. "I know I'm dangerous, I know I hurt other people. If I can harm a child like that, then I could harm…I could harm you! I'm not worthy of protecting you. I'm not worthy of you!"

"Inuyasha, stop it!" she cried, burying her face into his chest as he held her. "Stop saying that! I know you're beating yourself up over this, but don't you _dare _ever say that! You've protected me all these years, and you would never lay a harsh hand on me! Just believe me, and believe in yourself, please!"

As she shed tears for him, Inuyasha glanced at the sharp, dangerous claws that were holding something so precious. He knew he was dangerous, but he was always able to manage that. He had never lost control before.

But, with everything that was going on...Kagome's weakness, and the threat of this youkai…he was staring to lose the control that he had on his life. If he lost control again…who knew what could happen.

He could harm the precious thing there in his arms.

_No, _he told himself. _I can't let that happen! I protect Kagome from everything else. I'll never let anything happen to her! If I have to, I'll even protect her from myself!_

* * *

It was nearing sundown when the stake out party was gathered. Miroku and several other men were already there, readying their weapons. Inuyasha joined as well, but when his eyes met Miroku's, the monk only turned away. He didn't expect anything less.

Thankfully, the men of the village regarded him as they always did. He was grateful that the monk had not told them of the incident, at least.

Inuyasha said nothing as Miroku organized the party. "We will be split into groups and set at different parts of the forest. If any of us see the youkai, then we will send an arrow up as a signal. We'll corner the beast and put an end to it once and for all."

After they had all received their positions and had gotten their weapons and were just about to head out into the forest, when there was an interruption.

Sango came running for them, looking terrified. "Miroku! Inuyasha!" she called to them.

"What is it?" Miroku asked, but she didn't answer him. Her face, white with fear, turned to Inuyasha's.

"What?" he demanded, worried. "_What's wrong?"_

At last, she spoke, "It's Kagome."

* * *

Thankfully, Kagome had been with Sango when she collapsed, and Sango was able to get the necessary herbs right away to calm down her heart. But…if Sango hadn't been there…

Inuyasha did not return to the search party. He sat by Kagome's side, clutching her hand as she lay on the bed. _If Sango hadn't been there, she could have…she could have…Oh Gods, I could have lost her tonight! _

Turning to look at him, Kagome saw the tears in the corner of his eyes. "Inuyasha, you're…"

"I could have lost you," he repeated. "I could have lost you!"

With a small sigh, Kagome sat up for a moment. "Inuyasha, please, don't—"

"Don't you understand?" he cried, tears falling down his cheeks. "I could have lost you, Kagome! You could have left me tonight!"

"But I didn't, Inuyasha."

"That doesn't matter! Someday, you're going to leave me!"

"Everyone dies, Inuyasha. It's a fact of life."

"But _you _are going to _leave _me! I can't lose you, Kagome!" He grabbed her as if she would disappear at that moment. "If you leave me, everything I have to live for will be gone! I'll have nothing left! Nothing! You're my life and the reason for my living! What am I supposed to do once you're gone?"

"Inuyasha…"

"It was you that made me realize how precious life is, Kagome! And, damn it, I love you so much that when you're gone, I…I don't know if I could handle it! When you die, every reason I have for living is going to die with you!"

Kagome looked at him with pity for a moment, before reaching up and touching his cheek. "You're a beautiful, wonderful man, Inuyasha. I was happy to find you and live my life with you. I'm happy that you accepted me, and that we were able to share these years together, and have our son...I don't want it to end either, but I will always cherish the happy memories we've had. All the memories we made over the years... And no matter what happens," She leaned closer to him, whispering, "I will always love you, Inuyasha."

And that is when she kissed him. And, as if she was his only lifeline, Inuyasha pulled her closer and kissed her back.

When they pulled apart, Kagome said with a small smile, "Inuyasha, tonight…please, make one last happy memory for me."

He stared, "Ka-Kagome…"

Smiling, she leaned up and kissed him once more. "Please, for me." And she wrapped her arms around him once more, urging him down to the futon.

She didn't have to ask twice.

After their gentle lovemaking, they lay in each other's arms, like they had for so many years. Kagome held Inuyasha's head gently as it rested on her shoulder, softly stroking his hair. As he closed his eyes, he could hear the beating of her heart…a weaker beat than it should have been. The beat of a heart that was soon to give out.

He spoke brokenly, "If I could…if it would save you, Kagome…I would rip out my own heart and give it to you instead."

"I know you would," she said with a sad smile. "But, it wouldn't help…and I want you to keep your heart, and let it beat strong for many years."

Turning to look up at her with teary eyes once again, he said, "But when you're gone…what's the point of me living? You'll have left me!"

Kagome shook her head. "No, I won't ever leave you. I'll live on. I'll always be with you," her hand came to touch his chest, right above his heart. "Right here. I'll live on, inside your strong heart."

Inuyasha couldn't take it anymore, and he clutched her to his chest as he fought off the new stream of tears. _Kagome, I can't…I can't handle it. No matter what you say…_

_I won't be able to survive once you're gone!_

* * *

He ran. Hours later, he fled from his warm bed and the sleeping wife beside him, back into the forest that he knew well. He could take it no longer.

_I'm not this strong! I won't be able to survive this! Once Kagome is dead…I won't be able to live! I won't be able to survive! I'm nothing without her!_

Inuyasha couldn't run anymore, and sank to his knees. His claws ripped at the ground, but he found no comfort in destruction. Looking at the stars high above, he knew he could no longer take it. He admitted defeat.

_I can't stand it any longer! I don't want to live if Kagome's not here by my side! I can't save her, and I just have to watch as she suffers! I don't want to live like this, only to be lonely when she's gone! _

_I can't be strong! I can't live like she wants me to! I just want out…I just want an escape…I just want everything to disappear…_

_I want the pain to all end…and never have to think about this again!_

Inuyasha didn't fight it any longer, he let all the pain and sorrow he felt consume him. He collapsed for a moment on the forest floor, wishing with all his heart that he would never have to get up.

But he did get up. With one hand, he pushed himself off the leafy floor, standing up once again.

Only this time, he stood up with a red glare to his eyes.

* * *

"Youkai!" the villagers called, as Miroku and Sango raced from their hut.

"It's back, now?" Sango asked, as they ran to the forest.

Indigo eyes narrowed. "It must be. The man from the stakeout was the one that called. It can't be anything else…"

His wife glanced at him for a moment. "You don't think—"

"I hope not."

As they ran to the forest's edge, he asked the man, "Where--where is the youkai?"

"It's coming this way!" they cried, "It'll soon be—"

But they underestimated its speed. It had arrived.

And both Miroku and Sango stood there, seeing the worst.

Before them the youkai stood, the very same that had attacked many nights in a row. A red eyed Inuyasha glared, covered in the blood of innocent villagers. Everything about him had changed; his eyes had a murderous glare, with all humanity gone from his heart. And has he stood proudly before him, only one thought came to his mind; _Kill._

He lunged; Miroku blocked. As Inuyasha snarled, Miroku roared, "Come to your senses, Inuyasha!"

The youkai growled, and sliced at the monk, finding an opening and wounding his cheek. But, before he could get any further, Sango threw her boomerang. He was so fast that she missed.

"Damn you, Youkai!" the villagers roared, sending arrows his way. But he saw and dodged them. He was not going to let them get in the way of his mindless fun.

He turned back to the monk and the youkai slayer. He had to beat them, he had to kill them just like he had killed those before. Only killing helped; only the fun of taking a life helped the stop the pain that he felt...pain he couldn't understand.

_Kill…Kill them! _The squeezing of his heart that he didn't recognize would go away if he did, he was sure of it!

He set his red gaze upon the monk, while Miroku stood his ground, a sad look in his eyes as he faced his friend. "Inuyasha, I warned you. Several times before. I told you not to lose yourself, but…you didn't listen."

Inuyasha roared in response. _Hurry! Kill him! _

Raising his staff, preparing to defend, Miroku gave one final warning, "Inuyasha, come to your senses…What would Kagome-sama think?"

That made him stop for a moment; claws still raised for the attack. Why? Why did he stop at that name?

Miroku and Sango exchanged glances, and gave a sigh of relief. He still recognized Kagome. He was still in there. If they tried a bit harder, he could come back and all of this would be forgotten…

If only it wasn't for the one villager that fired an arrow at that moment.

The arrow struck Inuyasha's arm. Screaming in rage, he turned, and flew at the man. The human never stood a chance. His sliced body was hurled up into the air, blood raining down upon the youkai Inuyasha. Red eyes glared back at those that dared oppose him—

"Inuyasha!" came the voice of an angel; a voice that pierced his heart.

He turned, suddenly very afraid. There Kagome stood, horror upon her face as she saw everything her husband had done. Slowly, she spoke, "It was…it was always you, wasn't it? You couldn't…you couldn't take it and you…"

And then she gave a breathless gasp and clutched at her chest once more.

That single motion brought amber flying back to Inuyasha's eyes. He had never run faster, as she fell into his bloody arms. Everything around them had faded, all that mattered was her in his arms.

_No…no! Don't…stay with me, Kagome! _

Looking up into the face of her husband, with the blood of murders streaked across his face, she gasped, "Inu…yasha…"

"No…no…Kagome…no…you're not…" Her eyes closed as her heart stopped at last. "No…Oh Gods. No…" Tears filled his eyes, tears he couldn't stop.

"No…Ka…go…Kagome! _Don't leave me behind!_"

Clutching her still body to his chest as the red filled his eyes once more, he cried a scream of anguish like none had ever heard.

* * *

"Her heart was too weak…the shock of seeing her husband being the one responsible for the killings was too much, even for her. Perhaps if we were able to get a hold of him sooner, we might have…"

"Miroku-san," Kuro stopped him for a moment, as he sat next to his mother's grave. The black eyed, black haired hanyou had come back from his uncle's lands to hear the news. His mother had died. And his father had lost himself to the anguish by becoming a youkai. "Did you know, about Otou-san…"

Miroku nodded. "Sango and I…we suspected. We tried to warn him, but…for the sake of your mother, we didn't want to tell him what we thought he had done. Perhaps if we had, he could have been steered off that path, and wouldn't have…"

"I don't blame you, Miroku-san," Kuro told him, looking back at the man who was as close to him as an uncle. "Perhaps if I was here, I could have stopped him before it got out of hand. I should have been here…I wanted…I wanted to see Okaa-san before she…"

"You can't go blaming yourself either, Kuro," Miroku told him. "It was no one's direct fault. It was something that happened, that we cannot change."

"Still," Kuro's fingers clenched. "I should have been here. I should have been here to do _something! _Otou-san was the one murdering the villagers, and Okaa-san…she had to suffer for it! If someone had caught him before, perhaps she wouldn't have died—!"

"Kuro, do you really blame your father?" Miroku asked. "Do you blame him for what happened? He was so stressed and worried about your mother's condition, that he couldn't handle reality. So he erased his thoughts for a little while and disappeared into an alternate reality to ease the pain. He loved your mother so much, that he couldn't bear the thought of losing her. Do you really blame him for not being able to handle her impending death?"

Kuro thought a long moment. "I blame him for the way he went about easing his pain. Even if he didn't know what he was doing…I cannot forgive him for being the reason Okaa-san is dead."

With a sigh, Miroku spoke, "We all have our faults, Kuro. Maybe you'll understand someday when you meet the woman that you love with all of your soul."

Kuro didn't answer for a long time, until he turned to Miroku and asked, "Miroku-san…do you think…Otou-san is still alive? You said he left as a youkai…"

Shaking his head, Miroku answered. "I don't think he is dead…Not yet, anyway. After all of this, I don't think he'll kill himself. Your mother promised him she would live on in his heart. He's not going to let his heart, where she lives, die by his hand. He still loves her too much to do that."

* * *

Many miles away, the red eyed hanyou looked upon the village, the huts small dots upon the horizion. Tears he could barely understand streaked his cheeks as he looked upon that place...a place that was familiar to him.

His hand reached to touch over his heart. _Ka…go…me…_

And, even though it was hard, he turned away, never looking back again.


End file.
